Ever found yourself struggling through a frustrating phone call, in desperate need of emotional support while a distant, distorted rendition of Greensleeves loops back around for the 67th time?

How would you like an emotional support pillow hooked over your head to help soothe away your stress and save you from pelting your iPhone through the nearest window?

No? Well, three innovative individuals presumably thought this was a great idea. Good enough to patent it at least. 

This is just one of many mysterious and innovative inventions registered with the patent office. In fact, the Phone Hugger support pillow isn’t even close to the weirdest design currently crammed at the back of the patent office storage. Not even close. 

This does make sense. There are over 16.5 million patents currently registered with the World Intellectual Property Office (WIPO) – it follows that not all of these are life-changing design concepts. Or even most?

And some are just downright odd. We decided to delve into the depths of the patent office filing cabinet to find some of the weirdest and most ridiculous patent designs ever registered to imagine what they might look like and where they might live in your house if anyone ever committed to fully bringing them to life. So, lets begin, here are our 12 favourites…

Hallway:  The Phone Hugger

Avoiding phone rage isn’t the only use for our first patent, the Phone Hugger. Apparently, the inventors actually wanted to help people cope with sad or difficult phone calls. A way to feel a warm hug when speaking to a loved one hundreds of miles away or receiving bad news.

Essentially an ergonomic emotional support pillow, the Phone Hugger is designed to echo the weight and feel of a human torso. It has a pocket in its ‘head’ to hold your phone too, so you can fully focus on the force of the hug without worrying your call is going to end with your phone smashing to the floor.

The patent includes a selection of features all aimed at soothing stressed or sad callers who have to stay on the line. Heating elements, scents, lights and even adjustable ‘firmness’ are all mentioned, giving it plenty of benefits over a regular human hug – unless you count emotion, comfort or human connection of course.

Bathroom: The Toilet Snorkel

Look, we’re not here to mock the importance of fire safety. We’re pretty sure that if a building is burning down around you, you’ll do whatever it takes to get a gasp of clean air. Particularly if you’re towards the top of a towering hotel.

But we just aren’t sure that the  Toilet Snorkel is the answer. This device has a long, flexible tube you can feed into the toilet and up the u-bend to breathe the smoke-free air that collects there. It might not smell brilliant, but if the alternative is lung-clogging smoke – maybe it’s enough?

It’s worth pointing out this design was created in response to a spate of fires in high-rise hotels. Inventor William O. Holmes was addressing a genuine problem, albeit in a somewhat unusual way. 

Still, we’re not surprised his design never joined hair dryers, kettles and trouser presses as hotel room staples.

Playroom: The Gerbil Vest

No animal, however small, should be left cooped up in a cage all day. Why not give your small, furry pets a taste of the outside world with some play time in a Gerbil Vest?

Not just restricted to gerbils, this tunnel-based wearable is perfect for hamsters, mice and even baby rats. Any animal so small they’d slip out of a leash, or disappear in a rucksack could benefit from a day trip in the Gerbil Vest.

This maze of tubes slips over your head and fixes around your torso so you can carry it with you everywhere. It’s even robust enough to be worn for long periods.

We’re not sure just how comfortable it is to be a human-Habitrail but we see no reason why this invention couldn’t be wound around children as well as parents. Perhaps the attraction of this gadget is not being able to exercise your small furries – it’s teaching your children the true weight of pet ownership. Literally.

Bedroom: The Face Tap Alarm Clock

Sick of being woken by the shriek of your phone alarm? The Face Tap Alarm Clock takes all the pressure off your ears when you need to wake up….and puts it on your face instead?

Admittedly, Samuel S. Applegate patented the alarm way back in 1882, before the soft flush of sunrise alarms. And it does give you one more reason to leave your smartphone in another room when you sleep – which is something we should all do more often.

However, his ‘Device for Waking Persons From Sleep’ doesn’t sound like a gentle alternative way of waking. Instead, at the approved time, its dangling arms drop lightweight pieces of wood or cork onto your face. We’re not sure how carefully calibrated it would be, but we’re concerned enough about the chance of being woken with a black eye to be unconvinced with the design’s potential.

Home Office: The Greenhouse Helmet

Sick of the stench of exhaust fumes when you step out your front door? Want the bright benefits of the outdoors without even leaving your house? Invest in a Greenhouse Helmet to create that zen-like calm while you work and you can enjoy the fresh smell of plant-purified air anytime you want.

The Greenhouse Helmet is a dome you wear around your head, with in-built shelves to house the plants of your choice. The patent outlines some important practical considerations, including speakers and a microphone so you can go about your day ‘as normal’ while wearing it.

While we can absolutely get behind the concept of improving the quality of the air we breathe in a sustainable and natural way, we’re not sure the weight or awkwardness of the Greenhouse Helmet is the answer. 

Bedroom: The Automatic Bed Maker

Does the thought of getting out of bed fill you with dread, knowing you’ll have to make it behind you? Does the prospect of doing this every day for the rest of your life bring tears to your eyes?

Let’s face it, automating this tedious daily process is an attractive prospect. But we’re not entirely convinced this invention is the way to avoid it.

 Using both in-built arms and rollers, the Automatic Bed Maker can lift the covers back up the bed and then smooth out any wrinkles. It won’t deliver hospital corners but, in theory, is better than a tangle of bedsheets strewn across the bed.

Still, there is something slightly Hammer Horror about a bed with mechanical arms and rollers. We feel the potential for the bed to try and smooth the wrinkles out of you in the middle of the night is too much of a present danger to risk.

Garden: The Beer Keg Hat

Does the sight of two cans in a drinking helmet leave you utterly underwhelmed? Leave you feeling frustrated because you know those cans won’t last and then you’ll be left trudging back to the fridge like a loser?

Then the Beer Keg Hat is probably for you.

For the rest of us, the idea of balancing a whole keg of beer on the top of our heads feels a little unnecessary and a lot uncomfortable. Even if the keg itself is made of lightweight plastic as the patent application states – we can imagine the weight of the liquid inside is enough to crush our necks on its own.

The application also points out that any liquid, including juice or water, could be stored in the keg but that takes away the single most intriguing feature it offers.

Unlike a ‘traditional’ drinking helmet, this version doesn’t even have a tube to connect it to your mouth and make it hands-free.

If your fridge lives at the other end of your street, then we suppose this could be a worthwhile investment but overall we’re not surprised it faded away in the patents office without ever becoming a reality.

Living Room: The TV Ad Skipper

In respect to the inventor of the TV Ad Skipper, we should point out that this patent predates the days of voice-activated smart home systems. 

In the long, technologically empty days of 2009, the idea of being able to skip the ads of a particular brand was a lot more enticing. So much so, that technology giant Sony originally applied for the patent although nothing has come of it yet.

The patent hinges on the idea of shouting a brand name to skip an individual ad, which today feels slightly restrictive. As we can now ask Alexa to switch our TV on, change channels and fast forward through ads, this particular option loses its allure. Unless it can somehow find a way to skip those pesky unskippable ads?

Bedroom: Electronic Snore Stopper

Is your relationship on shaky ground because your sleeping partner sounds like an old train rattling through your bedroom every night? Or are you the cause of the problem, shaking yourself from sleep every night with your own foghorn breathing?

Then you might be interested in this patent with potential, the Electronic Snore Stopper. But probably not.

Fitted with a small microphone, this invention tracks the volume of your snoring. When it registers the noise is too loud, the device gives you a small electric shock so you stir and, subsequently, stop snoring. 

Of course, this still leaves the wearer awake and seething – if only at the torture collar around their neck instead. It seems like a short trip away from developing some kind of sleep-associated Pavlovian terror too, making it a miss for us.

Baby’s Room: Automatic Baby Patting Machine

Tired of having to spend time with your beloved offspring? Wish there was a low-effort, automated alternative to your own arms when it comes to soothing their distress?

The Automatic Baby Patting Machine takes all the work (and love and care) out of late-night parenting. 

This device comes with a main ‘base’ unit that attaches to the side of the crib. This has a motor in it, which powers some cogs and wheels that gently ease a wooden arm and padded hand back and forth to ‘pat’ your baby’s back and soothe them back to sleep.

All Over: Robot Companion

Are you lonely when you work from home? Tired of trailing from empty room to empty room on your own with no one to talk to? No one to get under your feet?

Then the Robot Companion is the invention for you. Basically, a Roomba with legs and less functionality, this ‘mobile robot guest’ has a camera and microphone in an attempt to replicate human interaction. It can ‘talk’ to you itself, or you can use it to hold a video call so you can actually talk to someone.

We’re not convinced this is the answer to loneliness but it is marginally less creepy than the Phone Hugger. It does all feel a bit Black Mirror though.

Hallway/Bedroom: Kicking Robot

Struggling to motivate yourself? Need a boost and just don’t know how to get yourself going in the morning? 

Well, this might just be the product for you. 

Patented in 2000 by Joe W. Armstrong, the Kicking Robot is operated by cycling two handles with your arms which causes a wheel with boots to repeatedly kick your backside. 

You can literally give yourself a kick up the bum. Yeah…

While some of these inventions could be genuinely useful (Toilet Snorkel anyone?), we can’t help but feel that there may not be the audience for many of these products, or maybe the inventor is just way ahead of their time? Who knows! But what we do know is that innovation is what keeps the cogs turning and if you can do it with a bit of creative flair, even better!

Are there any crazy patents that you’ve come across before? Let us know!

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